Most girls grow up mapping out their life and creating a timeline for when everything will happen. For some, everything works out according to plan for the most part. For others, not so much. I never really started planning out the rest of my life seriously until I was 23. At 23, I was just ending my gap year teaching in South Korea with Ryan—my then-boyfriend of six years, now husband and together for a little over ten. We both had our minds set on law school; Ryan had been accepted to law school, and I decided to re-take the LSATs because I refused to settle for schools I didn’t want to go to. I knew I could do better. So Ryan and I prepared for our third round of a long-distance relationship. I retook the LSAT, got into a school I wanted, and we moved back in together where I took a full time job until I could start school.
By that time, I had a lot of time to reflect on what I wanted. I met one of my best friends through Ryan’s friends at school. She had just married and moved out to San Diego, too. Spending time with her while Ryan and I were in law school made me really think about what more I wanted out of life. For so long, I had put my career in life as the most important thing on my mental totem pole. I never realized there was so much more to life than accolades, prestige, and even more than that– what people (family and friends) expected of me.
Happiness. My own happiness; I never truly considered what that meant to me. So, I sat down and thought about my life timeline. I knew without a doubt I would be ready to marry Ryan by the time I was 25. I wanted to be married by 27, enjoy a good three years of married life, and then if I wanted kids, I would have my first one by 30. And I always told myself if I had a kid, I would want two because I wouldn’t want the first to be lonely. (Also, maybe having my children be one boy and one girl would be pretty neat.) BUT, of course, life doesn’t roll that way. I was engaged at 27, and married at 28. Now, I’ve just turned 29, and I’m still trying to just enjoy married life because I’m trying to sort out my career.
For the majority of my life, I was decidedly against having children. It was only up until two years ago that I came around to the idea of having children. I struggle with so many thoughts about having children, and I’ve read other blogs that discuss both sides. There are the bloggers that say they are happily married and decided they were against having children, and then there are the bloggers that say having children is the best thing in life and they’ve always known they wanted to have kids. Then there are the flat out scary articles that say they decided to have children and they feel indifferent or they just completely regret it and feel bad about the thoughts they have. It’s all so overwhelming and, truth be told, it scares me to death. I don’t think I could ever regret having children even if I was on the fence about it. I wholeheartedly believe that if I had them, it’s because they are a product of the most abundant love between husband and wife.
My pro-con thoughts currently are (and some, if not all, are completely ridiculous. Maybe too blunt. Go ahead, roll your eyes.):
- I would love to have kids to see what Ryan and I made. I just know they would be beautiful. (Yes, you may cringe.)
- When I’m alone, I’d love to have them around to make me laugh and drive me crazy and remind me of Ryan when he’s away.
- I’d also love being selfless and devoting my time to something other than myself—a precious human being that I know would be so special.
- I want to see what kind of people they will be based on how we raise them – hopefully upstanding, innocent, kind, generous, honest, and compassionate people.
- I’m a little selfish and feel like I never have enough time with him. I just want all the time in the world to be in love when we’re not working. Doing nothing and everything. When we were in law school, we hardly saw each other due to work, internships, and crazy school work. Most days, we woke up, go through our days by texting constantly, and then winding up passed out in bed. So the time we have now after work together—even if it’s only a few hours—means a whole lot to me, and it sort of makes up for the past several years.
- There are so many places I still want to travel to (without kids), and there’s no way I could be done traveling by the time I’m 30, or even 32.
- I don’t want to have my kids when I’m in my mid-thirties because I still want to be a young mom.
- I’ll miss being able to do whatever we want whenever we want. Late night coffee runs, staying up late to watch Netflix, playing video games, waking up late on weekends.
- I feel terrible for possibly not wanting kids because I know so many people struggle with conceiving and go through painful procedures, take medications, have hard meetings with doctors and countless nights of tears and praying, and I know children are such a gift.
It feels awful to know that I have to decide quickly what I want to do. My body is a ticking time bomb, and yes, I could freeze my eggs, but that is incredibly expensive. It’s not something I want to do, although I had thought about it before. I just hope some time soon, something in life will help me realize what I want to do. Like maybe my wedding planning business takes off. Maybe I find an amazing law job like the one I love right now. Just some sort of sign to let me know what direction I should take. It’s hard to not think there’s something wrong with me for thinking this way.
Whatever I choose… WE choose… or however life lays itself out before us, I know I don’t want either of us to regret it. I won’t let others judge us for a decision one way or the other. I’m just trying to finally live my life. No school, just enjoying my work doing law and wedding planning, making time for friends and family finally, and finally enjoying my significant other without homework!